Intoxicating
by GNess
Summary: Draco is severely drunk; Hermione is not...but will that stop her from doing something so very un-Hermione?


A/N: Ah, yes another METMA challenge. WOOOO! Here 'tis:

The HP characters have managed to get their hands on twelve crates of beer. Ron has the genius idea that they play a little game called "I've Never." For those of you who don't know this game, it's a drinking game. One person, Harry, for example, starts. He has to say "I've never…" and complete the sentence. He might say something like…. "I've never been locked outside in my underwear." All players who HAVE done it have to drink from their cup/bottle/whatever. It can be a sip or the whole bottle; it doesn't matter. The fic must also include: 

someone saying "Uffda!" "Uffda" is kind of like the Norwegian form of "oy vey." 

a penguin 

an orange muffin 

Draco. Drunk. 

someone has to wear a combination of stripes and plaid 

random food items being used in nontraditional ways 

Intoxicating

"I don't have any idea how your brothers managed to knick all this alcohol," Hermione tutted, setting down a crate of a Muggle brand of beer. It was Miller Light, which Ron claimed was named after his next door neighbor, Old Milly Miller, but Harry insisted it wasn't. 

Hermione made a feminine grunt (if that's possible) and settled herself in an armchair with a new copy of "Hogwarts, A History" which had just recently been revised and had many added features. None of which the boys paid any attention to.

Harry, having used Wingardeum Leviosa with his two crates, lowered them onto the Gryffindor couch and sat beside them happily. "I don't care how they did it. I'm just happy they did."  
  
Ron and his nine crates (magically made miniature for easy carrying) came through the portrait hole next. "They said Dad confiscated them." He shrugged and set the tiny crates on a table. "Dunno why though."  
  
"We ought not drink from them," replied Hermione primly. "They could be poison." She set her book gingerly on her lap and watched the boys with bossy eyes.

"If they were, Mr. Weasley wouldn't keep them in his cellar for Fred and George to find." Harry said reasonably. "Plus, you know anti-poison charms."

"You would too," Hermione pointed out hotly, "If you paid attention in Charms."

Harry rolled his eyes, "Paying attention and learning doesn't get you anywhere in this world."  
  
"Right on, Harry!" Ron yelled, giving his friend a high five and then sliding down to the floor. Carrying around nine crates of beer (even though they were tiny) was tiring work.

"You don't have to participate if you don't want to, Hermione," Harry said, looking to Ron for backup.

"No, you don't. We'll drink them by ourselves." Ron nodded happily.

"Drink twelve crates of beer! Do you know how much alcohol you'd be consuming?" Her voice was shrill and very, very piercing. Ron did all he could not to cover his ears. "Muggle beer has a LOT more alcohol in it than Butterbeer does. You'll pass out when you get round to two crates. Maybe even one. I'm not sure how well you hold your liquor." 

She was reminded of Ron, aged 15 in fifth year, when he'd gone to Hogsmeade and challenged Harry to a drinking contest. Harry consumed about ten Butterbeers before passing out, and Ron…well, Ron drank about twenty-five and had to be carried to the Infirmary where he spent about four days recovering from a very major hang over. Now, at age seventeen and in his seventh year, Hermione wondered if he'd gotten used to alcohol. The odds were against him.

"Not well," sniggered Ron at Harry's expense. Harry hit him in the back of the head and told him to shut up using some very rude and colorful words.

Hermione ignored them, "I will participate…but seeing as how it is the Christmas holidays, I think we should invite some others to join us. A sort of party."

  
"The only people who stayed back are Malfoy, Seamus, Neville, Ginny and Lavender." Harry said, ticking off names on his fingers. "I don't think we should invite Malfoy."  
  
Ron's eyes gleamed. "Oh, Harry. Yes, we should."

Harry glanced at Ron, startled, "Come again?"

"Let's invite Malfoy," he said, grinning evilly. "It'll be a grand old time. We can knock him round the head for old time's sake."

Harry shrugged, not really caring if Malfoy was there or not. If Harry became really, really drunk it wouldn't matter who was around him. "Alright, deal. But I want Hermione to perform anti-slurring charms on us before we start. It'll be really hard if Seamus walks around with his Irish accent saying ANYTHING at all." As an afterthought, he added, "I can hardly understand him as it is."

Hermione was very angry with Harry for suggesting she do all the dirty work, but she didn't say anything. Secretly, she looked forward to seeing a very drunk Draco Malfoy. Or at least, she hoped she'd get to see a very drunk Draco Malfoy.

*

"Nonslaratious," whispered Hermione, flipping her wand towards Ron, who was grinning like a maniac. A little silver stream of light fell out of Hermione's wand and flew into Ron's open mouth. 

He swallowed it, coughing, and then looked up at them, "Let the fun begin."

The Dream Team had sent owls to everyone left at school (not the teachers, obviously) and they were all going to meet on the Astronomy Tower which seemed appropriate because no teacher ever went up there. They were too afraid to see things that need not be seen by their eyes. Hermione had decorated the largest stone-encrusted room with a nice Gryffindorish rug and several couches. 

Ron had set up a long table, which held all of the beer as well as some pumpkin juice (ala Harry, he'd stolen it from the kitchens) and a little bit of food. It was mostly fruit as Dobby wanted Harry to eat healthy and Harry had told Dobby that he needed food for a little study group that evening. Bananas, apples, oranges and grapes sat on a large plate and an odd looking orange muffin sat beside the plate. Harry wasn't sure what the muffin was, but was way too polite to refuse it. Ron suspected it was a 'special muffin' as some brownies are 'special brownies.' Harry and Hermione tutted at this, saying Dobby would never put any illegal drug into something served at Hogwarts. 

A large fireplace stood at one end of the room and it was crackling merrily and illuminating the room with warm light and casting shadows against the walls. Hermione rigged up some floating candles, like in the Great Hall, and luckily they were spelled to not drip wax as Ron had already screamed he'd been hit with a ball of hot wax. "It's impossible, Ron, stop being a baby." Hermione had said.

It promised to be a very lovely party, indeed. Seamus was first to arrive and the only party favor he received was the non-slurring spell from a bored Hermione. She was sitting at the end of one of the couches, reading a book and glancing up every so often at the boys.

Ginny and Lavender came in together, glancing around and awing at the décor before taking cups of beer that Ron offered them. He was hesitant to include Ginny but was afraid not to. So he'd told her that she was not allowed to drink very much as their mum would kill him.

"Actually," said Hermione suddenly, startling Ginny who was sitting quietly beside her watching Lavender and Seamus dance to no music. "I can put a spell on Ginny so she doesn't get drunk."

  
Ginny raised an eyebrow, "I'm not sure I'm too interested in that. What is the point of this party, if not to get completely pissed?"  
  
"Be with friends," answered Hermione quickly. "And I'm not getting drunk." She stuck her nose in the air.

"I would hope you'd change your mind…I bet you're more tolerable and more fun when you're unquestionably pissed," Draco strutted into the room, nodding very slightly to Harry who nodded back. Draco hadn't changed much over the years, but he had learned to stop calling Hermione names and stopped egging them on. They were hardly friends, the four of them, but they got along if needed.

Neville was last to arrive, and he was obviously ready to put on some sort of pimping show. Either that, or he felt he had dressed for the occasion. He was wearing rather loud striped trousers complete with suspenders and over that he wore a button-up lumber jack type plaid shirt.

"Were you rummaging through a pimp's clothes hamper, Longbottom?" Draco asked, seating himself across from Hermione with a large cup of beer.

Neville glanced nervously down at his attire, "No. I just felt like wearing something different. And I wouldn't say you looked so amazing either."  
  
"I should hope not. I don't swing that way. And certainly not for you." Draco sneered. "At least I have some taste." Indeed, Draco seemed to have SOME taste. He wore faded, loose fitted blue jeans and a taught black t-shirt which said 'SEX GOD' on it in big, blocked white letters. 

Neville, deciding he didn't want to fight with Draco on this fun occasion, took the beer Ron offered and sat down beside Ginny, who smiled sweetly at him. Harry and Ron, as hosts, took charge straight away.

"I think we should play a game," said Ron suddenly. Everyone looked up. Seamus and Lavender were locked together in an embrace, but looked at Ron as well, wondering what was going on. They had stopped dancing to the inaudible music, at least.

"A game, Weasley?" Draco asked incredulously. "What the bloody hell has gotten into you? Please don't say 'Pin the Tale on the Donkey.' I've heard of that dreadful Muggle game and all it's good for is a good kick in the arse of the person who's disoriented. Oh, alright, Longbottom, you first. Up you get." 

Neville surveyed him with great dislike, "Have another beer, Malfoy, maybe it'll make you act less like you have a very large skunk stuffed up your arse." Ginny giggled behind her hand and all Draco did was stand and get a bottle of beer from a crate.

"The game," Ron said clearly, "is called 'I've Never' and it should be good fun." He explained the concept to them, as none of them had ever heard of it before. "So someone starts and says, 'I've never…' and says something they've never done. Those who HAVE done it, must chug down some beer."

Draco rolled his eyes but said, "At least it's not 'Pin the Tale on the Donkey.'" He motioned his beer towards Hermione and some of it slopped out of the bottle. She waved her wand and cleared it up. "You playing?"

Hermione looked affronted, but seemed to think this game would be fun. "Oh alright."  
  
"Start, then," he said, getting up and handing her a beer. Ron and Harry took the remaining seats. They were in a little circle of couches now: Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Seamus, Lavender, Ron, Harry, Draco.

Hermione cleared her throat and looked at everyone who was staring at her, "I've never…gotten less than 90% on an exam." She shrugged in apology.

Ron, Harry, Seamus, Lavender, Neville and Ginny all took swings from their respective drinks. Draco blinked at Hermione, "Good one."  
  
She blushed and turned towards Ginny. "I've never…"  
  
Seamus sighed, "Can we make these raunchy?"

Ginny blanched, but all the boys were nodding very enthusiastically so she said the first thing that popped into her head. "I've never done anything at band camp."

  
"You've never BEEN to band camp," said Ron, shaking his head. He looked around. It seemed no one else had either. "Where the hell did you come up with that, anyway?"  
  
"A Muggle film I saw at Hermione's once," replied Ginny meekly. Hermione giggled in response.

Draco yawned and flicked his wand towards an apple. It floated towards him and then a hole appeared in its bottom as the juice emptied itself into his cup. He took a sip and sighed contentedly.

  
"That's hardly traditional, isn't it," said Hermione blandly, waving her wand and making a banana levitate towards her. She unpeeled it and threw the peeling directly at Draco's face; it smashed against his nose and fell into his lap in a squishy mess. She then ate the banana in what could logically be called a seductive way. Draco gave her a look and then turned to Seamus, who's turn it was.

Seamus grinned wickedly, "I've never done anything involving small, furry animals."

"Uffda," muttered Hermione, shaking her head. She made sure her beer was far from her mouth.   
  
Ron took a swig of his beer and looked at Lavender expectantly.

"RON!" Hermione screamed, surprised. "You've done something with small, furry animals?!"

"I had a rat," Ron pointed out. "Remember Scabbers…er…Peter. Whatever." He waved his hand around, "Go, Lavender."

Lavender was staring at him with great interest, "Ron…what did you do with your rat?"

"Well, lots of things," replied Ron offhandedly. Harry inched away from him on the couch, looking very pale. Draco downed the rest of his drink and wiped his mouth on his sleeve before getting another bottle.

Ginny squirmed in her seat, "Ron! That is so disgusting!"

"What?" Ron retorted, shocked, "What are you going on about?"

"You did…_things_…with Scabbers!" Ginny cried, horrified.

"Yeah," said Ron slowly, "I took him to the park, I fed him, I made him a sweater---" he blushed and his voice trailed away. "What do you mean----?" Realization dawned on his face and he paled considerably, "EWWWW!!! That's disgusting!"

"UFFDA!" Hermione hollered, "God. It's about time you figured it out. You didn't actually do things with Scabbers, did you?"  
  
"Not…not…sexual things," Ron stuttered, blushing to the roots of his hair. "And what the hell does 'uffda' mean?"  
  
"Oy vey," replied Hermione dismissively, "Lavender, please go. I can't bare to have any more mental images of Ron and Scabbers." She shuddered and sipped her beer.

Lavender grinned at Ron and then winked. He stared blankly back at her, wondering why she was paying him any attention at all, "I've never worn men's underwear."

"Question," said Neville, "I wear men's underwear all the time…so…?"  
  
"Down it, Longbottom," said Draco, finishing off his third beer and grabbing another. He'd carried a crate over to his seat in the Ron/Scabbers confusion. Neville took a dainty sip of his beer and watched as Seamus, Ron, Harry and Ginny took drinks of theirs. "GINNY!?" He cried, his eyes wide.

"What?" She shrugged, "I had to once. I was camping with my dad and brothers once and I didn't pack any. So I had to borrow some. That was before I knew I was a witch. Awful memory." She stood up quickly and put her ear towards the door way, "I hear someone coming!"

Everyone watched in horror as footsteps could be heard coming up the tower stairs. They were all frozen in fear and couldn't seem to move for the life of them. Hermione, who was normally on top of things like this, seemed to be too inebriated to do much. (Imagine that after only half a beer.) Draco, who was considerably inebriated, drank down another beer.

Within moments, a small, sleek black body with white stomach appeared in the doorway. He waved a flipper at them and smiled very friendly-like. "Hey. Anyone know the way to the Headmaster's office?"

They all stared at the talking penguin in front of them, but no one said anything.

"I've never seen a talking penguin before," said Draco slowly, "Not even in the wizarding world."

"I'm an Animagus," the penguin explained, gesticulating with his flipper. He was carrying a small briefcase under the other flipper. "I'm stuck in this form…I don't know why." He smiled at them, "Having a bit of an illegal get together?"

"Er----yes," said Harry, regaining his voice. "Please don't tell Dumbledore."  
  
The penguin grinned, "Wouldn't dream of it."

  
"You have to go down the stairs and then down that hall all the way," Hermione piped up, "The stone gargoyle is the entrance."

"Thank you!" The penguin chirped, hopping slightly on the spot, "Be seeing ya!" And then he disappeared.

Harry swallowed, "I've never seen a talking penguin before."

Everyone took heavy drinks from their beers.

Draco slid to the ground and looked up at Hermione with big eyes, "You know, Granger…I never told you this, but…I think you're quite adorable. Specifically when you're being insufferable in class. If you weren't friends with Boy Wonder over there---" he jabbed a finger at Harry, who blanched, "---I'd snog you senseless."

Hermione blushed a very deep shade of red and averted Draco's eyes as he got back in his seat, hiccupping. He giggled, "I've never kissed a Mudblood before."

He grabbed another beer and drank its entire contents in mere moments, then he threw it aside. He didn't even bother seeing if anyone else had ever kissed a Mudblood. Standing up and swaying slightly on the spot, Draco Malfoy plopped down beside Hermione and planted a very unchaste kiss on her lips. She was so astonished that she didn't know what to do, so she sat there rigidly until he pulled away.

Draco, looking content, winked at Hermione before going back to his seat and beginning yet another bottle. 

Hermione cleared her throat, bringing everyone away from their shock. Ron and Harry were slack-jawed and had both dropped their now-empty beer bottles onto the floor. "I've…er…never snogged a Malfoy senseless," she said, shrugging innocently. She glanced at Draco out of the corner of her eye and his left eyebrow rose very high into his hairline. It seemed that she was trying to communicate with him that she would actually LIKE to snog a Malfoy senseless.   
  
Ron stared, wide eyed, at the wall in front of him. Harry came out of the trance after a few moments and tried very hard to shake the mental picture from his mind.

Drunkenly, Draco got to his feet once more and walked to the doorway. Once there, he leaned against the cool stone because, being so intoxicated, he couldn't stand on his own very well. His head was spinning and he felt nauseous, but he didn't care. He pointed his index finger at Hermione and made a 'come hither' motion with it while saying, "Come hither."

She glanced awkwardly around the room and shook her head fiercely, "We mustn't, Malfoy." She shook her head some more, "You're amazingly pissed and I wouldn't feel right taking advantage of you."

Ginny snorted, "I've never had Draco take advantage of me…but I wouldn't mind it."  
  
Ron shook his head, falling out of his shocked trance, "GINNY!"

Hermione finished the remainder of her beer while everyone else watched. Ginny grinned and nodded in a satisfied sort of way. Apparently she knew more than the rest of them. Once Hermione's beer was completely empty, she set it down and casually sashayed to where Draco stood.

Seconds later the two of them were gone, clinging to one another and giggling all the way down the hall. Everyone watched them go and finally Neville swallowed hard and said, "I've never eaten a banana the way Hermione did."

THE END.

--------

A/N: Yeah. That was weird…but I actually like it for some strange reason. Hope you did too.


End file.
